Thursday, January 31, 2008
at
4:27 p.m.
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Tomorrow I start at my new school. While it may be hard to see on the outside, I'm actually a bit of a wreck. The anxiety, fear, and insecurity from September have all returned and I'm feeling more than a little burnt out already.
While it is true that it's all come back, it's also true that it isn't as intense as it once was. For a little while in September I thought I was going to die. This isn't much of an exaggeration because I was barely in control of myself to the point where I went for medical help. This time around I've put in a lot more "flight hours" as Scott calls them and I'm feeling more calm about everything.
I still don't want to go there and I'm super-pissed about leaving my first school. The problem with being angry is that I have no one to be angry at other than the system. It was neither my choice nor theirs that I had to leave and hopefully I'll be back for next year.
I think there will be a good amount of support at the new place, though. I've met one or two people that look like I can rely on them and instead of reinventing the wheel, which I'm totally guilty of doing last semester, I'm going to borrow much more heavily from others, particularly for my history course as I'm not certified to teach it. I feel a bit guilty about doing that though it's the smart thing to do. I don't know why I have this unrealistic attitude that I'm supposed to emerge from teacher's college with full binders and ten years of experience. It's stupid. Hell, I've even seen Scott go through other binders for assignments so I don't see why I shouldn't do the same (and Scott is the best there is).
So the new semester starts tomorrow. I don't want to go. I REALLY don't want to go, but I know Catherine is counting on me to make it through my first year. I owe her and myself that much at least. I wish it were easier than this, but I'll make do. Everyone says the first year is about survival and I've made it half way.
If you can, try to help me make it through the rest by continuing your support. It means a lot to me. And to Catherine, who could use a break.
While it is true that it's all come back, it's also true that it isn't as intense as it once was. For a little while in September I thought I was going to die. This isn't much of an exaggeration because I was barely in control of myself to the point where I went for medical help. This time around I've put in a lot more "flight hours" as Scott calls them and I'm feeling more calm about everything.
I still don't want to go there and I'm super-pissed about leaving my first school. The problem with being angry is that I have no one to be angry at other than the system. It was neither my choice nor theirs that I had to leave and hopefully I'll be back for next year.
I think there will be a good amount of support at the new place, though. I've met one or two people that look like I can rely on them and instead of reinventing the wheel, which I'm totally guilty of doing last semester, I'm going to borrow much more heavily from others, particularly for my history course as I'm not certified to teach it. I feel a bit guilty about doing that though it's the smart thing to do. I don't know why I have this unrealistic attitude that I'm supposed to emerge from teacher's college with full binders and ten years of experience. It's stupid. Hell, I've even seen Scott go through other binders for assignments so I don't see why I shouldn't do the same (and Scott is the best there is).
So the new semester starts tomorrow. I don't want to go. I REALLY don't want to go, but I know Catherine is counting on me to make it through my first year. I owe her and myself that much at least. I wish it were easier than this, but I'll make do. Everyone says the first year is about survival and I've made it half way.
If you can, try to help me make it through the rest by continuing your support. It means a lot to me. And to Catherine, who could use a break.
Posted by
Parallel
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